Do it right

It ain't what you do, it's the way that you do it, the saying goes. Nowhere is this better illustrated, perhaps, than in the case of Fergie's killer aide Jane Andrews, now apparently reincarcerated.

As we are all aware, the reason she became incarcerated in the first place was that she was responsible for the death of a chap who had let slip that he didn't want to marry her. This, it seems, resulted in his being beaten with a cricket bat and then stabbed.

The available evidence, then, seems to indicate that his decision that marriage was not a good idea was probably a sensible one. What wasn't as sensible was hanging around after the decision was announced. The decision, obviously, would have been better delivered as he left the scene of the announcement promptly - by fast car or motorcycle, say. Even more sensible would have been to deliver it by telephone or e-mail.

So perhaps the saying needs some modification: It is what you do, but remember that the way that you do it may have a significant impact on the outcome.

Murderesses live!

There is still such a thing as a murderess! I know that because I heard it last night on Radio 4.

The Duchess of York’s former aide Jane Andrews, who apparently took out a chap of her acquaintance because he didn’t want to marry her (beat him with a cricket bat and then stabbed him - you wouldn’t want to mess with Fergie’s lot, would you?) has absconded from the open prison where she was serving her life sentence.

It’s nice to know there are still murderesses, isn’t it? Kind of cosy. Straight out of Sherlock Holmes. In an age when actresses and manageresses long ago decided they would rather be actors and managers, we still have murderesses. According to the BBC, at any rate.

I wonder if it’s a class thing: ie female killers from the lower orders are murderers while those who move in more elevated circles classify as murderesses? I wonder, but I’m not interested enough to research it.

We're all mates now, are we?

More in the press about ‘Nick’ Griffin, with the news that he is going to be a Barking candidate in the forthcoming General Election.

In the context of all the distaste and outrage generated by Nick Griffin and his friends, the irritation I am about to express may seem a bit trivial, but here I go anyway. Why, courtesy of the media, is he known to us as Nick?

Presumably his given name wasn’t Nick, unless his mother - divining that he was always going to be a bit short of gravitas, or because of some directly diabolical suspicions - actually called him after Old Nick. Presumably his name is Nicholas, so why can’t the media call him that?

The most horrible manifestation of this uncalled-for familiarity was at the time of the ‘Fred’ West trial, when we had constantly to hear the person concerned (just about the most repulsive individual most of us could ever hope not to meet) referred to as Fred, as if he were our big chum.

Why the hell couldn’t they have referred to him as Frederick West?

Why does this upset me, when it obviously doesn’t bother anyone else in the whole of the UK media? I don’t know. I’ll try to calm down a bit now.

Curse of Jackson?

More Jacksons for my sensational 2012 summer bill! My good friend Marco Rossi points out that I have overlooked, for a start, Jackson C Frank and Mahalia Jackson. They should pull the punters and no mistake. (Availability permitting, and there may be one or two stumbling blocks there.)

My researches have also turned up Wanda Jackson, Queen Of Rock, of whom, shamefully, I had been unaware (http://www.wandajackson.com/). She at least may still be around, it seems. Many of my targets, it appears, are no longer with us. Could it be that the name Jackson predisposes its owners to an untimely end as well as prominence in popular culture? One for the academics, I think.

Heights of Jackson

It is generally accepted that Michael Jackson was the most phenomenal phenomenon in the history of pop, but has anyone considered that he had a flying start – just by trading under the name of Jackson?

The name Jackson may well be the most phenomenal in the history of popular culture. Statistical analysis reveals that just possessing the name Jackson would, in any other industry, represent unfair competition.

If you are in any doubt, consider the bill I hope to put together for a Michael Jackson Memorial Season at Weymouth Pavilion in summer 2012, as part of the Cultural Olympiad which will accompany the London Games.

I am confident that the lure of appearing at Weymouth Pavilion* in the summer of 2012 will enable the successful assembly of the glittering line-up listed below.

Please note: Just for fun, one or two names have been made up - and there’s a free pair of season tickets for the first 500 people to spot which they are!

Please note also: Should any of the artistes ultimately be unable to fulfill the engagement – for instance, in case of death having unfortunately intervened – the promoter reserves the right to substitute a tribute artist from a similar or closely-related genre.

*Should Weymouth Pavilion have been demolished in the interim, the show will relocate to the Wurzeldome, Yetminster. If the Wurzeldome is not complete by 2012, all holders of pre-booked tickets will receive, absolutely free, an extra souvenir ticket celebrating what would have gone on if it had gone on. Any cash refunds will be in Zimbabwean dollars; exchange rate to be determined by the promoter.


Here is the provisional schedule…

June 1 to July 29 (60 nights, matinees Sat and Sun):

The Michael Jackson Experience. Plus special guests Jim Davidson and Jethro

July 30:

Joe Jackson

July 31

Glenda Jackson

Aug 1:

Latoyah Jackson

Aug 2:

Latoyah Wilcox

Aug 3:

Jackson Browne

Aug 4:

H Jackson Brown Jnr in Believe it or not, it’s H Jackson Brown Jnr! Popular philosophical musings.

Aug 5:

Millie Jackson

Aug 6:

Jack Jackson

Aug 7:

Jackie Jackson

Aug 8:

Jumping Jack Jackson

Aug 9:

Screaming Jack Jackson

Aug 10:

Jacknus Jacknusson

Aug 11:

Jackson Pollock

Aug 12:

Pollock with Celeriac Mash and Weymouth Bay Samphire

Aug 13:

Randy Jackson

Aug 14:

Marlon Jackson

Aug 15:

Tito Jackson

Aug 16:

Marshall Tito

Aug 17:

Janet Jackson

Aug 18:

Python Lee Jackson

Aug 19:

Jackson Heights

Aug 20

Keisha Jackson

Aug 21:

Spear and Jackson. Secateurs-juggling comedy duo. Cutting edge! Plus special appearance by Burning Spear Jackson, hot-coals garden barbecue novelty act

Aug 22:

Let’s get started! With Jackson Stops

Aug 23:

Germaine Jackson and Gordon Jackson in I’ve Left My Trousers In The Upstairs Downstairs House by Brian Jackson-Rix.

Aug 24:

Blind-Boy Peg-Leg Jackson. Roots.

Aug 25:

Rambling Roger Jackson. Routes.

Aug 26

Leon Jackson

Aug 27

Leon Redbone

Aug 28

Jackson Rathbone

Aug 29

The Stonewall Jackson Experience. Musical tribute to the life of General Stonewall Jackson, the American Civil War hero whose landmark stance on gay issues inspired a liberation movement. 32 nights (matinees Saturday).

Season ends September 30 with Midnight Parade of a Thousand Jacksons on Weymouth esplanade. Join in! (No vehicles; motorised wheelchairs only permitted. Spectators: no umbrellas please, as these many diminish the visual experience of others in the crowd.)


Thought for the season:

Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have. H Jackson Brown Jnr


Season sponsored by the Jackson Hole Chamber of Commerce, Wyoming

Also, how is it that...

Although we are all familiar with the word interloper, I have never heard the activity referred to by way of a verb, eg: “Yes, he/she was interloping at the personal space re-assessment workshop the other day”. Some dictionaries suggest that there is such a verb, though. I looked it up. So it’s just my ignorance…

Paint...

If you're passing Artwave West (between Bridport and Lyme Regis, Dorset): lovely show on at the moment.

There aren't many places you can look at interesting pictures in a relaxed sort of way entirely free (might not be free, obviously, if you want to buy one, but my particular favourite was an Edward Kelly job for which I just don't have the money).

Check at http://www.artwavewest.com

How is it that...

How can people become disgruntled, when no one ever becomes gruntled in the first place?

I can't say I've ever heard of anyone being gruntled. And if they did find themselves gruntled, the word doesn't make it sound a particularly pleasant experience. Being burgled sounds more pleasant than being gruntled, frankly, and everyone knows that's not very pleasant.

And how is that things get reiterated without having ever been iterated?

If iteration had gone on, a certain flying legend would certainly have been at it, given Capt W E Johns's liking for variety in expostulation. "Cheer up, Algy, old boy," Biggles iterated...

I ask these things simply because - well, I'd be interested in the answer. If I (Dave1999) had the number of followers on Twitter that Stephen Fry has, someone would no doubt provide me with it. In fact, the answer might come from Stephen Fry himself.

But how to get it? I doubt whether following him on Twitter would prompt him to follow me in return, thus enabling me to send him a direct message. Anyone have his e-mail?